The Reason

It goes without saying that I will put a great deal of emphasis on my multi-cancer journeys. It is after all just one of the pieces that got me to where I am now. Sure, it defines me, how could it not? But there is so much more and it all began in my childhood.

My mother had just died of Breast Cancer and MS in 1987. What a fighter she was. She basically fought for 19 years from one thing or another. I was 19 when she finally passed. Needless to say it was grueling at times.

I was asked if I wanted to get up and say something at her funeral which of course I did. The night before her funeral I was stressed for many reasons and all I could think about is that I still didn’t know what I was going to say. My mind drew a blank. The room was dark as I lay in bed filled with sadness and anxiety and I came to the conclusion that I would try again in the morning. I then noticed something out of the corner of my eye. It was like a mist of energy entering my room through the closed door. I thought I was crazy at first as I lay there watching it come towards me high above. When it was directly above me, I was made to feel calm and peaceful. Now that I think about it, since I have had so many surgeries I can almost compare it to the feeling you get when the valium is infused through your IV. The misty energy began to swirl above my head while coming closer to me and I felt wonderful. As soon as it reached me it put me to sleep immediately. I wish I knew how long I slept! It wasn’t long, that much I know. I was awakened with a sudden jolt of inspiration! The moment my eyes opened I burst out of bed in need of a pen and paper and I felt an awesome sense of urgency.
The words…I couldn’t write them fast enough as they kept coming and coming…from somewhere. I couldn’t wait to see what I was writing! Finally I was done and I was filled with curiosity and excitement. There before my eyes was a poem, my poem that I was to read the following day at the funeral. Little did I know that these very words were going to bring me here.








Her pain is gone
My love is not

My Heart still aches
My throat is in knots

Mother I love you, I’m sure that you know
That I’ll be thinking about you wherever I go

Understand WHY you left me?
That, I do not
I KNOW there’s a reason!!!
I’ll give it more thought

Rest assured that I’ll find it!!!
It may take a while

So for now, I’ll be brave
I’ll think about you and smile.

There is absolutely no doubt that I was put on this earth to help others. My story is so long and complicated and I know I am not alone. We all have a story. Our stories are filled with our share of struggles, adversity and all that comes with it. It all happens for a reason. My hopes is that by sharing my story and what I have learned from it, (or rather how I have learned from it) will shed some light in your life. I think too many of us continually miss the point, miss the signs and the cycle will continue unless awareness is made. I want to make you aware. I want to teach.

Hindsight

Sometimes we have a nagging feeling but choose to ignore it. In tha past I've been guilty of ignoring it often, but after much practice I am getting much better at trusting my instincts and paying attention to my "Nag".

Peter has been in Cabo San Lucas for a week now with family and I opted not to go. As eager as I am to experience this gorgeous place in our world, my "Nag" told me I should decline this time around. The problem with me is that I am still working on my patience and with trusting that I was having these nagging feelings for a reason and would have to accept the fact that I may not know why for many months. Everything happens for a reason that is discovered in hindsight. And if you don't discover the reason, it's because you didn't do the work to find it. All the answers are here, either within you or around you. You have a choice to learn or not and it's called free will. But just know that if you choose not to learn it this time, there will be more.

I am happy to report that I didn't have to wait long at all. This week has been challenging and extremely rewarding in regards to my quest. I've gotten more writing done this week alone than I normally would in a months time. I have also developed some contacts with like-minded individuals and as excited as I was before, it has now multiplied. Just this week I received an e-mail from an old and dear friend who I have lost touch with. She wanted to meet with me to see if I had any insight for her as she was at a crossroad in her life. What prompted her to seek me out was a posting of mine she had read on a networking site. I was thrilled because we go way back to sharing "ABC" gum. Gross! I know:-) Her name is also Wendy. From the moment she arrived until the moment she left I was floored at how similar we think. I knew things she was going to say before they came out of her mouth. She was here for almost 6 hrs and we talked continuously. It became clear to me after the first 5 minutes that we will be collaborating our efforts in the near future for a common goal which I believe is crucial for humankind. At first I couldn't understand how we could have lost touch but the answer came a short time later while I was alone in my thoughts while writing. Sorry, but I will elabprate on this in my book:-)

I can't explain the urgency (for lack of a better word) I have been feeling in having to be heard. Sometimes I feel like I am privy to some insight and knowledge that I must share. This week while reseaching and digging around I discover that I am not as alone as I originally thought. This thrills me more than words can describe because it is now clear to me that I have more work cut out for me, but that I need to find ways for us to collaborate our efforts.

Love and light,

Wendy

Taking my own advice

Trying for once to sleep without the tv on. My mind never stops and I am always thinking of something. Pondering, analyzing and making sense of it all. I can't sleep. I need to write but it's 2:15AM and I'm tired. Many times I ignore my "nag" and just lay there, thinking of all I could be writing. Knowing that I won't remember if I don't get it on paper now. (still blame chemo-brain even after all this time). But tonight, I decide to take my own advice and listen to the "nag" and just get up and write. I am a writer after all right?

Book

Yes, I have been neglecting my health a little and promise to make calls this week and set up some appointments. I hear my sister's voice nagging me. I just realized that last month was 7 yrs as a survivor from Angiosarcoma and Melanoma and next month will be 10 yrs from Breast Cancer and Melanoma insitu. Woooooohoooooo, keep the years coming because I have so much to do.

As of late, I am extremely happy with the progress on my book. It's all starting to fit together like a puzzle. And I love puzzles! The anticipation is going to lead to elation in the very near future and I am terrified yet so excited. While I am already very happy, I am not satisfied nor may I ever be as I continue my quest for knowledge for myself but only to share it with you. For you.

Love and light,

Wendy