Bridge Over Troubled Waters

One day, some years ago while struggling with something, my sister— one of my biggest supporters who I love dearly— said in reply:  “Wendy, you know you can’t save the world right?” That pissed me off and I felt my anger shoot straight up and through the roof like a reverse bolt of lightning. I told her that I was going to do it even if meant doing it one person at a time.  Challenge accepted! I was determined to prove her wrong but I never imagined that I would first have to fight for my own life —more than once.

 In hindsight it makes sense that I had to learn how to save myself first though I didn’t know that I needed saving at the time.  It took years to realize that I’m not looking to prove anyone wrong. I always felt a gap that I couldn’t explain but yearned to bridge. If only I could build a bridge over these troubled waters.

I didn’t understand as child that I had a high level of empathy giving me the ability to sense, feel, and understand the emotions of those around me. I assumed we were all the same.  Showing compassion came natural with the desire to help, in any way, following suit. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that people were not the same. I began to witness cruelty in elementary school and I’ll never forget that crushing feeling which caused my heart to ache and my mind to wonder. I’ll always remember the conversation I had with a girl I was walking home from school with one day. She said “It isn’t weird that we’re friends? I wonder what people would think if they saw us together?”  When I asked why she answered “Because I’m black and you’re Jewish. People hate   blacks and jews”.  I didn’t have a clue what she was talking about. I couldn’t possibly fathom or wrap my head around such an outrageous notion that people could hate one another without reason and by association.  None of this made any sense! It was during this time that I began to question life. On some level I’ve been on this quest ever since.

As time went on exposing me to more people and experiences, it became clear that there was so much wrong— on so many levels —and that it affected so many people! No matter who—or how— I helped, it was never enough. I felt helpless!   I began to resent the fact that I had some sort of ability to feel and a need to help that couldn’t be turned off or tuned out. I began feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, which took a toll on me emotionally and left my spirit broken. And while I went on living my life trying to fit in by conforming to society, I never found a way to surrender, accept or reconcile— any of it. Instead I found myself fighting for my life against cancer more than once.

I cringed at the thought of leaving my children motherless because I already experienced this. I knew there had to be a way and my only option was to find it. I reeled at the thought of dying without knowing the answers! My sole to soul mission was to find a way to heal myself so that I could pay it forward in some way. Thank God I was given more than one chance and many years to figure it all out.

Navigating my way was a long, complex and painful process taking many years.  I didn’t know much, yet somehow knew there was something I needed to learn.  After years of searching for answers I stumbled upon something within myself that I didn’t recognize and decided to explore. What I learned is: What seemed so complex was actually very basic. I had been navigating through life using my mind and it formed a big gap (void). Once I began navigating from my heart and soul, a connection was found to bridge the gap. It was so basic and already part of me but it was the one part I knew nothing about—connecting to/from spirit. It’s something that cannot be simply taught with words, thought they help guide us. It isn’t until we find it —and connect— for ourselves, and within ourselves that we ever fully understand. It’s an awakening that resonates in ways you never imagined and a magnitude of love powerful enough to bridge any gap.

Never in a million years could I have guessed that my initial quest— to understand —would lead me here. I’ve been racking my brain trying to remember if I might have experienced something that foreshadowed this. Low and behold, it all began with a spark that ignited the flame occurring from a conversation between two little girls walking home from school one day. On this day I was made to see our differences and how easy it became to forget that basic part of us in where— we are the same.