Full Disclosure and Prayers to Japan

My entire life— up until a few years ago—has been spent in denial. I was the “queen” of defense mechanisms to shield myself from feeling and to keep those around me at arm’s length. I was weak inside but my walls were indestructible—nobody could break through, though there were many who tried. There was, by far, a severe misconception going in my head. All that time I believed I was strong but in reality I acted the part for so long, I came to believe it. Deep down I believed that if I were to open up I would become weak…vulnerable, and become swallowed up. I’m ashamed by how long it took me to learn but I am also comforted to know that I am not alone in this and maybe I can be of assistance to any one of you. I will now re-emphasize my reasons to share my experiences: they are for any reader that may possible identify with something I’ve said that may assist them in a direction that leads to their own “AHA!” moment.That being said, this particular post is more about disclosure of who I am in an elaborate sense. I had no intention of writing this evening and even if I had, my topic would be anything other than this.

Today is my birthday and I am so proud to admit I am 43. I know! I don’t look it! And a majority of the time I don’t act it either! I always say “You don’t stop playing when you get old, you get old WHEN you stop playing!” This topic will be elaborated on another day as today I need to confront my fears by letting you in. I’m so grateful to be alive and at the same time, I am a complete and utter mess over the devastation resulting from the earthquake in Japan.

My intentions of how I would celebrate my day of birth were to let the day take me wherever the wind blew. There would be no rushing anywhere! Because we are having company tomorrow I had to tend to some chores around the house and I ended up cleaning the entire day and evening. It certainly didn’t have to take that long but unconsciously I chose to because I needed to avoid facing Japan’s disaster. When all was said and done I finally put my feet up out of sheer exhaustion and began to…think. Oh no! This is what gets me into trouble. I decided to go online or watch tv but it can’t be avoided. The news is everywhere! If I am not in constant state if pre-occupation then it cannot hide and I have no choice but to surrender to it and all the emotions that go with it. Of course I couldn’t predict this disaster but I sensed something of great magnitude was about to happen and that has to be the most unsettling feeling ever. All I want right now is to climb into my closet! You can run, but you cannot hide.

Anyone with a heart is going to feel terrible over these types of catastrophes right? I know I am not alone in my feelings and I also know I am not alone when I say that my gift/curse is that I feel things on the most personal level there is—I feel everyone’s pain as though it is my own. Okay I will say it now…I am an Empath and I was born this way. It’s been progressively getting worse (since I broke through these walls) and I am finding that I cannot control feelings—especially when they are not even mine. I realize how weird this sounds and I am going to take it one step further by sharing just a few recent experiences.

I went to Au Bon Pain many times during my hospitalization with my IV pump and all. One day as I was standing in the back corner of the crowded elevator, I became flooded with emotion (which is nothing new to me). My room was on the 15th floor and elevator rides at Brigham can seem endless because it stops at almost every floor. In most circumstances I don’t learn the specifics to the feelings and in time they go away. I thought to myself “summon some patience to make it to my floor and get out of here!” and just then a woman turns to the doctor standing next to me and proceeds to thank him for all he did for her father even though he was moments away from taking his last breath. The tears began to flood, I couldn’t stop them and as I looked around the elevator, I realized it was full of (only) his family, the doctor and me. They all turned and looked at me! I was trapped and all I could do was to tell them how very sorry I was. If that wasn’t bad enough, I got off the elevator and sobbed hysterically all the way down the hall to my room— which was not private. I had nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. I felt very embarrassed.

On Labor Day weekend, my co-worker’s son (who just turned 21 and was also a co-worker) was murdered. I used to be able to keep myself together while attending wakes but not anymore. I got through the procession line and just when I thought I was in the clear, I had a major anxiety attack. I ran through the funeral home and out the back door gasping for air and clutching my chest that hurt so bad that I believed I was having a heart attack. As I burst out the back door I practically knocked over a woman and her sister who were out there getting some air. The woman was my co-worker. Do I need to say more? Of all people to see me this way but the woman who just lost her son! And it ended with her consoling and trying to help me! That day woke me up to the fact that I needed to find some help.

I always knew I had an extreme level of empathy and although it felt like a curse very often, deep down I knew it was a gift that I didn’t know how to use. On the bright side, since in addition to feeling my emotions as well as other people’s, I feel them all, therefore, I get the good ones too!

I am very recently discovering how to proceed in fulfilling my purpose here on earth. I know that my gift of being an empath allows me to relate to everyone and should be utilized in helping navigate life, it’s meaning, and our purpose. Now that I figured out how to heal my “self”, I can now learn how to heal other’s “self” with the help of Reiki. Reiki One, here I come (in 5 days), and not soon enough.

With love, light and many prayers to Japan,
Wendy